A Million Brilliant Shadows

Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

A few weeks ago, my response to  Sunday Scribblings centered around my having to get used to putting my daughter in daycare.  I wasn’t comfortable with the idea then, and I’m not quite sure I’m comfortable with it even now.  But, now I have to get used to it.  She’s going to be starting daycare on Monday.  This past week, I had the afternoons off, which I was happy about because it gave more time with her with less outside distractions.  I was really hoping the week would go slow because I wasn’t ready for what was ahead.  Guess what?  The week flew by.

I’m still not ready for this.  I know she will be in good hands (the daycare is connected to a local Christian school and comes highly, highly recommended), but I still worry about someone else taking care of her.  It’s going to take them a while to get to know her like I know her.  It’s going to take them a while to figure out what her different noises and expressions mean.  I don’t think she’s going to have any problems adjusting to her new situation.  I am.  It’s going to be very hard going from having her with me basically twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week  for the last five and half months to leaving her with someone for eight hours a day. I know I can do it, but it’s going to take work.  I’ve been lucky to be able to have with with me as long as I have because I don’t think I could have made it had I had to put her into daycare when she was six weeks old.

I’m not ready for this.  I’m not at all.  But come Monday morning, I’ll be dropping her off for her first day of daycare.  Wish me luck. I’m definitely going to need it to make it through the morning without any tears.

{Edit 9/1/09 – I forgot to link to the Sunday Scribblings response I refer to in the first sentence.  It’s done now.}


I’m a few days late in writing this, but 5 month old baby girls take precedence over all the other things that Mommy would like to do.

This week’s Sunday Scribblings:

What are your thoughts on adulthood? What do you want to be when you grow up? Are you scared of being an adult? Have you been forced to be the adult in a relationship? Do you have an adult child who won’t grow up? Are you glad to finally be an adult? What do you think?

When I was a teenager, I couldn’t wait to be an adult. I thought everything was going to be fine and dandy. I’d finish school, get a job, get married, buy a house, and all that fun stuff. I wouldn’t have to answer to anyone but myself. I’d make all the rules. Haha. Who was I kidding? I guess just myself.

Being an adult is hard work. Being an adult means worrying about bringing in enough money to pay all the bills and buy all the necessities while still trying to have a little bit left over to pay for the extra things that make life a little better. Being an adult means making sacrifices. You need to go to the eye doctor? You need to make your car note? Your husband accidentally busted your gas meter while trying to cut down a tree and now you have to pay the gas company for a new meter AND the weekend pay for the worker who came to turn off the leak? One of those things ain’t going happen and you can guess which two it ain’t gonna be.

Plus, you have to deal with other adults, who, by the way, all really suck. You’d think the ones who have kids will understand how much having a 5 month old takes over your life. You do things when they are convenient for your baby, not you. Yes, I know people (aka the writers of all those parenting books I never read and won’t ever listen to) say you shouldn’t do this, but it’s better than holding an overly tired child who has been screaming so long she’s red in the face for over an hour before she finally goes to sleep because other people made you feel like a horrible person because you would rather let your child get her nap out in an attempt to avoid the aforementioned public scenario. Of course, the whole incident could have been avoided had we not let other people’s thoughts and feelings affect what we felt.

Being an adult is one big headache right after another. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t be in so much of a hurry to grow up. Hopefully, I’ll be able to teach my daughter to cherish the present and not worry so much about rushing along the future.

This week’s Sunday Scribbling: What’s new in your life? What new things should you be embracing? What does new mean to you?

I’m glad the prompt for this week didn’t automatically bring up a fictional response like last week’s did. It brought up something that I am going to have to get used to: having someone else take care of my child for a few hours a day. Up until now, I’ve only ever left my daughter with my husband (he really doesn’t count, though, does he?, my mother (twice, because we had to go to the airport to pick up family flying in from out of town), or my sister-in-law (once, while she was visiting from out of town). I’ve been able to take her to work with me, but now that she’s getting older (almost 5 months), my boss is not-so-subtly hinting that it’s time for that change.

Enter the search for daycare, which makes me uncomfortable. The only option we’d ever considered for daycare, long before we ever seriously considered having a baby, isn’t going to work and obviously never would have worked. We would’ve realized that if we had really thought it through, but we never really sat down and thought it through until recently.

So now I have to not only find someone to care for my daughter, but also get comfortable with the idea of leaving her with someone who isn’t me, a family member, or a friend. Frankly, it’s a little scary. Wait, no, it’s not a little scary. It’s very scary. Me leaving her with SOMEONE ELSE who isn’t me and who doesn’t know her like I do. This is what I need to embrace. Let’s just hope I can do it.

We all have bad habits. There’s no getting away from them. The only thing we can do is recognize that we have them and then work on getting rid of them. Some times that just isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Trust me, I know from experience. I’ve been battling some bad habits for a long time and still haven’t conquered them. I need to really work on getting rid of these things so I can set a better example for my daughter.

1) I’m a procrastinator.

Yes, I admit it. I routinely wait until the last minute to do a lot of things, especially in my personal life. At home I don’t have the same rigid time constraints as I do at work. So what if the laundry basket is overflowing with towels as long as there are two or three clean towels left in the bathroom? It’s no big deal. The laundry can wait. So what if I know two weeks in advance that we are going to have company on Saturday evening? I can get everything I need done on Saturday morning. Stressing out over it isn’t a big deal. I’ll do better next time, I really will. Only I really don’t. I just keep going through this cycle again and again.

2) I’m a complainer.

A HUGE complainer. As anyone who knows me can tell you, I enjoy complaining about everything: the weather, the traffic, neighborhood children, the grocery store. Name anything you can think of and I can probably find some aspect of it that’s worth complaining about. It’s an big emotion drain.

3) I have a hard time with forgiving and forgetting, especially when it comes to myself.

This is the biggest emotional drain I can think of. I think this one doesn’t need much explanation. We all deal with this at some time in our lives, but we can’t let it consume us. Learning to completely forgive and forget (myself, especially) is going to be a hard journey.

4) I’m chronically last minute.

I’ve figured out the absolute last minute I can leave my house and still make it to work within a few minutes (meaning two or three) of when I’m supposed to me there. Of course, this is barring any unforeseen event like a traffic jam caused by a wreck or road construction. It doesn’t seem like it such a big deal since my boss and coworkers are always arriving a few minutes on the other side of 9 A.M. The more it happens and the more it’s able to slide, the more acceptable letting it happens seems.

5) Some of my best qualities don’t show in all aspects of my life.

My boss always says how organized and meticulous I am in my everyday work duties, but you wouldn’t know it if you looked at my personal life. I have clutter everywhere.

As my husband can tell you, this list is in no way a comprehensive list of my bad habits. These are just the five things that immediately came to mind when I decided that bad habits would be a good topic to write about. As part of my 101 goals, I plan to make a list of the things I don’t like about myself (bad habits, attitude issues, etc.) and either change them or just get over them (if it’s something that isn’t changeable, say, a physical trait), so further discussion on bad habits is sure to pop up at some point in the future.

This afternoon, as I watched my perfectly happy four-month old playing with a Sprite bottle, I wished that I could be as easily amused as she is. Babies don’t need all the stuff that we adults do. They can live without television, telephones, and computers. Their lives won’t come to a screeching halt if they don’t have access to their email, Facebook, or Twitter. To me, it seems as if babies see what life is really about: noticing and embracing the all little things. The way the sun dances on the surface of a puddle of water. Seeing the smile on the face of someone they love.

As parents, we are supposed to teach our children all sorts of things. It’s part of our “job.” I can’t help but wonder what sorts of things our children can teach us if we just take the time to see things through their eyes. How much better would our lives be if we could live them like our children live theirs?

101 Goals in 1001 Days

Start date: 19 July 2009
End date: 15 April 2012

Total goals: 85
Goals to be determined: 16
Goals completed: 4
Goals in progress: 10

You can find my full list here.

**My goal project is on hold until September so I can figure some things out**